This post originally appeared on keepingupwithkamblog
Being twenty-seven in the bible belt whilst also being gay and single- I’m falling into every category you’re supposed to be out of years ago. As I look around and get, yet another, wedding invitation in the mail for another one of my wonderful heterosexual friends, I scan my available gay friends to be my date to another celebration of love. I believe my parents have given up on me being with anyone anytime soon because not once since my last relationship has my mother asked me “Are you seeing anyone?” And I’m totally okay with that.
One would think being the third wheel every weekend would really get to me, but it has made me appreciate my independence and ability to do things alone. The other night I was forced with the dilemma of going to a movie alone and whether or not I would be okay doing that. While I’m fine floating solo in life, you can’t help but wonder who is noticing the poor soul in the corner, alone, burying his head in the popcorn while just trying to enjoy the view of Zac Efron shirtless on a large screen.
Because I am gay and in an area where there are more Pokemon available than guys, I’ve had the talk with myself [and cat] that this might be it and you have to be okay with that. Now, don’t get me wrong, I in no way am playing the “poor me no one loves me” card because I have had options, just nothing that gets my attention. But should I accept just because I am gay and every time I log onto Tindr, I hope for just one good prospect and nothing comes to fruition, I should just give up on the idea of partnering up with someone later on in life? I didn’t get the memo that being alone was just part of being gay. The bullying, great clothes, great personality and compassion for others- yes, I was informed on this. But no where in this contract was I told: your right hand is going to get a great work out.
And as if finding someone who actually blends well with you wasn’t hard enough- the act of dating the same sex is quite possibly one of the most obnoxious and annoying parts of meeting someone. Now, I’m not referring to your Netflix and chill nights. I’m referring to the going and meeting someone out for a drink [because there’s no way I’m eating in front of you on the first date.] The anticipation of waiting for them to arrive is kind of like waiting to scratch your lottery ticket: you think there’s a chance you won but in reality you’re just going to get a “sorry! try again.” And even if you are a match, there’s so much that can go wrong: they could wear the same shirt as you, they have probably slept with someone you at least know or have slept with as well, and god forbid we even discuss how this whole paying for the ticket business is going to play out. And when you do finally meet them, order a pitcher of margaritas and catch yourself drinking twice as fast as them, you quickly discover you might be too much for him. That is, if you didn’t catch up on the concern when he asks: “Exactly how often do you party?”
Then the day comes, the day where a guy makes you feel something other than a tightening in your good jeans. Let’s get real- many guys can get your engine running, but who is going to make that bass bump in your radio, because that’s what we’re really after here. You find him, invite him over and spend the day drinking skinny bitches by the pool before eventually ending up in your room doing things that could only be rated NC-17. And you tell yourself: I might like him, I’m feeling things and I don’t like it, but I think I may like him. You refuse to let your guard down but you catch yourself wanting to text him everyday and find any excuse to hang out with him. After a few attempts of planning for drinks, going to the movies, literally anything worth while to hang out with him, the realization kicks in: he really only wants sex. He said what needed to be said to get your attention and it worked, but now he got what he wanted and you’re old news. Now, can I be mad at this? Absolutely not. I’ve set many traps identical to this multiple times in my life, I just hate that I’m on the other side of the game. So, no, you won’t put me above other invitations you may have from friends. Yes, you will be hanging out with other guys and there’s nothing I can say about it. And the ironic part is, I have to applaud you because you grounded me and reminded me how I make guys feel quite frequently.
I think it’s natural for guys to be fearful of commitment, especially when it’s two gay men. Yes, I’m sure we could be a great match, but are either of us ready to settle down? Are you willing to give up your ability to be wild and have that random one night stand? Probably not. And I can’t blame you. The idea of waking up to someone everyday right now makes me want to break out in hives. Will this fear ever subside? Or as a gay man who loves his fun, am I doomed to subconsciously sabotage myself every time I imagine having his and his bath towels with someone? So I can’t be mad at anyone but myself, because I am the reason I am single. Maybe I’m obsessed with perfection and because I see all these shirtless hunks on Instagram, I tell myself there’s always something better out there. Maybe I’m scared to grow up and fall into “heteronormativity.” Or maybe, just maybe, I’m a hot fucking mess who has no idea what he wants. Either way, I’m single and at the end of the day…I’m okay with that.